Sage, Bruno Mars called and wants his look back
We were convinced this episode was going to be all about the return of fauxialite Poppy Lifton however the real arc of this story turned out to be the new Queen of Constance — Serena’s 40-year-old boyfriend’s secret 17-year-old daughter Sage Spence. Game on.
Let’s quickly get it out of the way that all the GG cast is STILL on Blackberry.
The name of this episode was titled Dirty Rotten Scandals but don’t expect any references to Cap Ferrat or con artists; the scandal here is all about Blair‘s upcoming Women’s Wear Daily article — her editorial debut as the new head of Waldorf Designs. Small problem — the WWD fashion writer is none other than Nelly Yuki — Blair’s former underling, nemesis and Yale competition from Constance.
GG is actually the most depressing show on TV right now because you can tell they are wrapping it up — giving the various non-main cast members from the last 5 seasons a final bow. Every time we hear Serena’s former drug dealer referenced or one of Blair’s old minion makes an appearance, we know it’s one step closer to the end.
It broke our heart when Sage read off Serena: “No one reads Gossip Girl anymore” … “It’s only for old people”. That cut like a knife, Sage. Made us rethink existence. But then just about when we were totally suicidal the GG writers completely redeemed themselves when Serena walks away and Sage’s prep squad burst into: “IS YOUR DAD DATING SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN?! WE READ IT TODAY ON GOSSIP GIRL!!”
They do still read GG! They do, they really do! We’d like to see Sage and Serena bond over a burn book.
Questions:
- Was Rufus noticeably missing because he is still shacked up in Brooklyn. And was Milo with them?
- What other role playing a marine does Chuck have right now?
- Why can Serena not get herself on the board of the Central Park Conservancy? Is this not the same Serena who can steal Nacho Figueras’s horse and not go to jail, is the grand daughter of CeCe Rhodes, and step daughter of Bart Bass? I mean, comon.
- Also, if Serena’s 40-year-old boyfriend is so damn connected, how come he or any of his gay friends at the wedding didn’t know who Serena was? We doubt very much she wouldn’t be recognized at a gay wedding in the Catskills.
- Does the necklace Bart gives Lily cost more than 10 million dollars? If not, why would it make her happy that her husband’s one weekend stand in the middle east cashed out better?
- When did Dorota get an MBA?
Most condescending line of the evening: Chuck, you’re so cute using your dead mother’s birthday as the code to hide my weekend hooker payoff money. Does Blair’s need help with errands today?
More quotes from Bart:
- Let me give you some Bass properties, and we can be a family again - Bart to Chuck
- I gave you 10 million dollars not to ask questions - Bart to Divya
- We get it, she’s the Mentalist, eat a crepe - Bart to Chuck at breakfast
- This is our ticket out of Brooklyn - Georgina & Dan on the Insider sequel
- Were going to Cipriani’s to discuss - Georgina re: Graydon Carter
- It’s legal, I checked – Sage to Nate on if they can have sex or not
- Classic high school move - Chuck to Bart when he becomes out maneuvered
- I’m breaking up with you / I’ll be at the ball later come say hi - Nate to Sage’s voicemail
- Why is handsome, vacant boy calling me? - Georgina to Nate’s caller ID
Facts:
- Being on the board of the Central Park Conservancy is more important than being mayor.
- Georgina can get meetings at Vanity Fair, New York magazine and The Nation.
Cameos this episode:
- Daniel Sullivan — he was the man on the roof who Serena had her photo taken with that was in the paper the next day — he is the real life director for Shakespeare in the Park
- Chris Rovzar — VF.com editor, who played a VF.com editor, he also use to blog for Daily Intel
- Jessica Pressler — was the editor at New York Magazine and also actually works at New York Magazine
- Katrina vanden Heuvel from The Nation — played herself at the meeting at The Nation
- “This was a gift from Raf” — there was no appearance but a direct reference was made to Dior’s designer Raf Simons who is new to the brand this fall. Nelly said this about her bag Blair calls fake.
This season is suppose to be all about closing out the story, so the cast has to be left in a believable, comforting spot by the time the last curtain drops this. Unlike the writing team behind LOST, this team actually cares to conclude their story. As such, the writers are accelerating the cast through adulthood forcing them to face bigger problems so we can see their realized position in life after we leave them. New grown up problems include:
Serena –
- Serena has entered the big leagues as G-D intended. She is now giving the Tisches competition as cutest charitable couple with her older, wealthy boyfriend. This means she can’t get caught dead (literally) on trains anymore. How long can she really hang this way and will she and Steve find some ground on which to grow.
Chuck –
- Besides the haircut, Chuck has to figure out how to reconcile some other issues: namely his future with Bart and/or Blair. On the one hand, Bart is his only family, and his only clear future. On the other hand, he has Blair and having Blair means he can’t be an a-hole anymore. Which is impossible to steer clear of under the emotional backlash of Bart’s incredibly conditional love.
Dan –
- Dan is no longer mad, he no longer wants to fit in. He now wants to expose the wrong doings he’s seen around him that have torn his life apart and that of his family’s. This crew has broken his heart, nearly ruined his high school experience, chased his sister out of town and sent his father into a womanizing stupor. This was the first time we heard Dan complain about Blair leaving him for a guy who traded her for a hotel — and we haven’t sided against him. Dan no longer cares, and it’s working for him. We’d watch him sleeping too, Georgina.
Nate –
- Nate has a minor problem; his girlfriend dresses like Bruno Mars. And he is quoting Patti Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker. Oy, Nate. Once again Nate is blowing our minds with his whopping donations from his fledgling b-list newspaper. Where does he keep getting all the money? Nate also still says things like: I thought you were sleeping with your father before I knew he was your father. We’re not sure where Nate’s going to end up. He is living on credit and is swimming in an industry where he has no background. Best bet for Nate is that he sells The Spectator to Esquire and they give him a job as New York Scene Editor. According to Dan, Nate has a surprisingly high IQ so maybe the two of them could shake something out together since they do indeed appear to have remained friends since Nate’s homelessness brought them together.
Blair –
- Blair now runs a global company and has no employees. Worse, she is loosing her cool. Blair sucked this episode; she lost the WWD article to Poppy L, neither befriended nor dominated Nelly, completely misused the idea of an atelier, and only bothered to set foot in it once Dorota had scouted, leased and completely decorated the office space. Also, Blair’s minons officially suck. They have gotten worse over the years and hit an all time low — clothes, acting, ineptitude and all. Blair needs to name Dorota head of Waldorf and take a role as their creative director.
Bonus Points:
- Points to Georgina for leaving a gala to go have drinks.
